Relativity
It's vulgar to point out other people's physical flaws, especially when they're obvious.
Would anyone go to a person with one leg and go, "you have one leg"? That would seem retarded, wouldn't it? Did Paul McCartney say that to Heather Mills? "Hey Heather, you're beautiful, but you have one leg. Do you think you could grow another one?" I wonder if she would have married him and had his child if he constantly reminded her that she had one leg. That would have been boneheaded considering how she contributed to society. Plus, when did physical imperfections stop people from having good relationships? There are men, however, who would overlook everything she did and focus on the missing leg.
"I'm flawed/you're flawed/so we're both okay" cannot be a useful or valid formula for relating to other human beings.
It's very insensitive to say to someone "I notice XYZ". How does that help the relationship forward? I sometimes wonder what goes through a man's mind when he says that.
If someone came to me and said "you're a black woman", I would wonder what they left out. Duh. I'm black. So? But that's not a flaw. However, there are people who were retarded enough to do that. Strangely enough, no one would come up to me and say "you're near-sighted" even though that's a flaw. I am proud of my heritage. Being near-sighted is darned uncomfortable.
But I'm straying from my point:
Men who are obsessed with women's physical flaws are flawed human beings.
Men who are obsessed with women's physical flaws are flawed themselves.
They are insecure or feel inferior to the women they make fun of. Pointing out a woman's physical imperfections allows the man to validate himself. He can say "hey, I'm not so bad. Look at you". What kind of person derives his own self-esteem from seeing others relative to himself? This is not true or unconditional acceptance. This is a form of bullying.
A man cannot love me and tease me about my imperfections at the same time. I would much prefer to be challenged for being self-centred and overwrought, you know, issues that actually have an impact on a relationship. If a man meets a woman he can't accept, warts and all, he should bow out of the relationship gracefully instead of trying to get her to feel grateful.
"Remind her that she isn't all that. Let her know that although everyone else may think she is perfect, she has flaws that I know about."
Recently, a guy I dated very very briefly (he's in his early 50's) made comments about my hair (which is kinky) needing "attention". On our 2nd date. Kinky hair is a genetic trait. Apparently, he had only dated women with straight hair and he had never dated a woman who had more than a high school education. On date 3, he went on to inform me that my religion was "idol worship" and made derisive remarks about the fact that I was financially independent. Idol worshipping was my lifestyle choice, and financial independence is something I worked for. At the time he was pontificating on my life, he was living rent free in a friend's apartment (house-sitting) and didn't have enough money to buy his own meals. I mention this because food was cheap in that city. I tolerated him up until the end of that week because I was so amused that someone could justifiably say things like that to me. I wanted to see exactly how his mind worked.
A few years ago, I was slightly overweight. I wasn't very fat but I was lumpy, and I had a boyfriend who was so proud to be seen with me, not because of what I looked like but because of who I was. He made me forget that I felt insecure about being fat.
The guy I dumped to be with him had given me a detailed analysis of my ass while we were at our romantic hideaway in rural Jamaica. "Your ass doesn't look good anymore". He was an unemployed alcoholic who was 50Kg overweight himself. I was alone with him in a cottage in the middle of the countryside late at night, with no cell-phone reception, so I knew it wouldn't be safe to walk away just then. The moment I left the cottage and got back to Kingston, the relationship was over.
My new boyfriend, who loved my chunky ass, was quite the opposite: a passionate squash player and long-distance runner whose family had owned a sizeable chunk of upper St. Andrew. I never once felt inferior to him.
The dumped guy ended up dating a fat and exceptionally unattractive woman with mental problems who barely finished high school (I'm contrasting this to his graduate school diploma). "She needs me...", was what I remember hearing as his rationale for choosing her. Uh huh.
Asshole!
Would anyone go to a person with one leg and go, "you have one leg"? That would seem retarded, wouldn't it? Did Paul McCartney say that to Heather Mills? "Hey Heather, you're beautiful, but you have one leg. Do you think you could grow another one?" I wonder if she would have married him and had his child if he constantly reminded her that she had one leg. That would have been boneheaded considering how she contributed to society. Plus, when did physical imperfections stop people from having good relationships? There are men, however, who would overlook everything she did and focus on the missing leg.
"I'm flawed/you're flawed/so we're both okay" cannot be a useful or valid formula for relating to other human beings.
It's very insensitive to say to someone "I notice XYZ". How does that help the relationship forward? I sometimes wonder what goes through a man's mind when he says that.
If someone came to me and said "you're a black woman", I would wonder what they left out. Duh. I'm black. So? But that's not a flaw. However, there are people who were retarded enough to do that. Strangely enough, no one would come up to me and say "you're near-sighted" even though that's a flaw. I am proud of my heritage. Being near-sighted is darned uncomfortable.
But I'm straying from my point:
Men who are obsessed with women's physical flaws are flawed human beings.
Men who are obsessed with women's physical flaws are flawed themselves.
They are insecure or feel inferior to the women they make fun of. Pointing out a woman's physical imperfections allows the man to validate himself. He can say "hey, I'm not so bad. Look at you". What kind of person derives his own self-esteem from seeing others relative to himself? This is not true or unconditional acceptance. This is a form of bullying.
A man cannot love me and tease me about my imperfections at the same time. I would much prefer to be challenged for being self-centred and overwrought, you know, issues that actually have an impact on a relationship. If a man meets a woman he can't accept, warts and all, he should bow out of the relationship gracefully instead of trying to get her to feel grateful.
"Remind her that she isn't all that. Let her know that although everyone else may think she is perfect, she has flaws that I know about."
Recently, a guy I dated very very briefly (he's in his early 50's) made comments about my hair (which is kinky) needing "attention". On our 2nd date. Kinky hair is a genetic trait. Apparently, he had only dated women with straight hair and he had never dated a woman who had more than a high school education. On date 3, he went on to inform me that my religion was "idol worship" and made derisive remarks about the fact that I was financially independent. Idol worshipping was my lifestyle choice, and financial independence is something I worked for. At the time he was pontificating on my life, he was living rent free in a friend's apartment (house-sitting) and didn't have enough money to buy his own meals. I mention this because food was cheap in that city. I tolerated him up until the end of that week because I was so amused that someone could justifiably say things like that to me. I wanted to see exactly how his mind worked.
A few years ago, I was slightly overweight. I wasn't very fat but I was lumpy, and I had a boyfriend who was so proud to be seen with me, not because of what I looked like but because of who I was. He made me forget that I felt insecure about being fat.
The guy I dumped to be with him had given me a detailed analysis of my ass while we were at our romantic hideaway in rural Jamaica. "Your ass doesn't look good anymore". He was an unemployed alcoholic who was 50Kg overweight himself. I was alone with him in a cottage in the middle of the countryside late at night, with no cell-phone reception, so I knew it wouldn't be safe to walk away just then. The moment I left the cottage and got back to Kingston, the relationship was over.
My new boyfriend, who loved my chunky ass, was quite the opposite: a passionate squash player and long-distance runner whose family had owned a sizeable chunk of upper St. Andrew. I never once felt inferior to him.
The dumped guy ended up dating a fat and exceptionally unattractive woman with mental problems who barely finished high school (I'm contrasting this to his graduate school diploma). "She needs me...", was what I remember hearing as his rationale for choosing her. Uh huh.
Asshole!
Blogged by Shaggy's girl at 01:03
1 Comments:
I have one leg and people tell me that all the time. This happens when I am wearing pants or a skirt that shows my prosthesis, or when I am at the pool and my stump is hanging out. I suppose that they think I suffer from a severe developmental delay and somehow never noticed that about myself. Or perhaps they think I used to know that I had one leg but that I somehow forgot.
It is very helpful for me to be told this or else I would surely fall down.
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