Et misericordia eius in progenies et progenies timentibus eum

Blogtherapy?

I guess ranting does get things out of your system, doesn't it? It's been good to just write down things that really shouldn't go in my personal journal.

I had that a lot of crap in my system, and there are too many people in Jamaica who believe that skin colour is a qualification for contributing to society. Something had to be done, so I started writing.

I was really homesick, but I don't want to go home because I'm stubborn.

That's the way things have to be. I'm not interested in revisiting the past, because going home, even for a short time would be the equivalent of stepping into a time warp. You know...people talking to you as if you were 5 years old, or reminding you of what you looked like when you left, or reminding you of things you did or said. That, and the prospect of bumping into my ex-boyfriends is quite scary.

I'd rather just ride the wave of the future. Enjoy the moment and live my dreams.

Older mothers epidemic: The real deal

I was just reading this article on the Times Online website (see excerpt below). I thought that it is very one-sided to say that women who wait until their mid-thirties to have children are taking unnecessary health risks.

That's fine, but what about the women who want to have children but who can't find fathers? If we can't find sex partners, how are we supposed to even get pregnant? At what age should women start worrying about their biological clocks when they're unmarried, unattached and are not sexually active? I wish some of those gynaecologists would try to answer those questions. I wonder how many of them are in this same siutation?

I wonder if anyone has ever considered that there are career women who are career women because they don't have a choice. There are women who would rather be barefoot and pregnant but can't meet men so, instead, they plug themselves into their work (and become good at it).

A friend of mine told me that she got so angry when people would tell her that she has a boyfriend/partner/husband because she is very attractive. People accuse her of lying when she says she doesn't. Since she is attractive, she doesn't get introduced to single men because people think that she doesn't need to meet more men. Strange. I know many beautiful women who say that they want to have a relationship and get married and take care of the house, but that they haven't been on a date since leaving university.

I find it strange that all of my unmarried women friends are not in relationships. There is nothing wrong with them, so...what gives?

Our lives conflict with media images that tell us that women who are beautiful, stylish, brilliant, confident and emotionally mature are already mothers with loving husbands, or have many suitors, or enjoy the luxury of serial dating. Someone is telling us that we have it all, but we don't.

In truth, we go to the spa for oxygen facials, eyelash perms, pedicures and a brazilian wax to feel sexy... prepared for that fateful meeting. For all the trouble and expense, we might as well grow beards, because it all seems to be in vain.

Then, we step out of the spa and glide past women with beards, avec husband and children. Did they have beards before or after they got married?

"Where are all the single men who are supposed to be chasing us?" This question may sound like rubbish to some people, but really it is a myth that all of us young bright women are having hot sex with all the eligible bachelors of the world.

I would really like to hear the men's side because it seems to me that if we're not getting any, then they should have the same problem.

September 16, 2005

Older mothers 'epidemic' a danger to health, doctors warn women
By Sam Lister

Doctors warn women not to put their careers before having children - they may live to regret it

AN “EPIDEMIC of middle-aged pregnancy” threatens the health of mothers and babies as a growing number of women delay having children to pursue their careers.

An editorial today in the British Medical Journal gives warning of the risks run by women who wait until their mid-thirties before trying for children. It refers to the growing number of cases of age-related fertility problems and other health complications.

The authors, all obstetricians and gynaecologists, said that the “have it all” generation of women who go for careers first, then try for children, were defying the natural progression of their biological clocks. They said that many seemed unaware that they could miss out on motherhood altogether.

Relativity

It's vulgar to point out other people's physical flaws, especially when they're obvious.

Would anyone go to a person with one leg and go, "you have one leg"? That would seem retarded, wouldn't it? Did Paul McCartney say that to Heather Mills? "Hey Heather, you're beautiful, but you have one leg. Do you think you could grow another one?" I wonder if she would have married him and had his child if he constantly reminded her that she had one leg. That would have been boneheaded considering how she contributed to society. Plus, when did physical imperfections stop people from having good relationships? There are men, however, who would overlook everything she did and focus on the missing leg.

"I'm flawed/you're flawed/so we're both okay" cannot be a useful or valid formula for relating to other human beings.

It's very insensitive to say to someone "I notice XYZ". How does that help the relationship forward? I sometimes wonder what goes through a man's mind when he says that.

If someone came to me and said "you're a black woman", I would wonder what they left out. Duh. I'm black. So? But that's not a flaw. However, there are people who were retarded enough to do that. Strangely enough, no one would come up to me and say "you're near-sighted" even though that's a flaw. I am proud of my heritage. Being near-sighted is darned uncomfortable.

But I'm straying from my point:

Men who are obsessed with women's physical flaws are flawed human beings.

Men who are obsessed with women's physical flaws are flawed themselves.

They are insecure or feel inferior to the women they make fun of. Pointing out a woman's physical imperfections allows the man to validate himself. He can say "hey, I'm not so bad. Look at you". What kind of person derives his own self-esteem from seeing others relative to himself? This is not true or unconditional acceptance. This is a form of bullying.

A man cannot love me and tease me about my imperfections at the same time. I would much prefer to be challenged for being self-centred and overwrought, you know, issues that actually have an impact on a relationship. If a man meets a woman he can't accept, warts and all, he should bow out of the relationship gracefully instead of trying to get her to feel grateful.

"Remind her that she isn't all that. Let her know that although everyone else may think she is perfect, she has flaws that I know about."

Recently, a guy I dated very very briefly (he's in his early 50's) made comments about my hair (which is kinky) needing "attention". On our 2nd date. Kinky hair is a genetic trait. Apparently, he had only dated women with straight hair and he had never dated a woman who had more than a high school education. On date 3, he went on to inform me that my religion was "idol worship" and made derisive remarks about the fact that I was financially independent. Idol worshipping was my lifestyle choice, and financial independence is something I worked for. At the time he was pontificating on my life, he was living rent free in a friend's apartment (house-sitting) and didn't have enough money to buy his own meals. I mention this because food was cheap in that city. I tolerated him up until the end of that week because I was so amused that someone could justifiably say things like that to me. I wanted to see exactly how his mind worked.

A few years ago, I was slightly overweight. I wasn't very fat but I was lumpy, and I had a boyfriend who was so proud to be seen with me, not because of what I looked like but because of who I was. He made me forget that I felt insecure about being fat.

The guy I dumped to be with him had given me a detailed analysis of my ass while we were at our romantic hideaway in rural Jamaica. "Your ass doesn't look good anymore". He was an unemployed alcoholic who was 50Kg overweight himself. I was alone with him in a cottage in the middle of the countryside late at night, with no cell-phone reception, so I knew it wouldn't be safe to walk away just then. The moment I left the cottage and got back to Kingston, the relationship was over.

My new boyfriend, who loved my chunky ass, was quite the opposite: a passionate squash player and long-distance runner whose family had owned a sizeable chunk of upper St. Andrew. I never once felt inferior to him.

The dumped guy ended up dating a fat and exceptionally unattractive woman with mental problems who barely finished high school (I'm contrasting this to his graduate school diploma). "She needs me...", was what I remember hearing as his rationale for choosing her. Uh huh.

Asshole!

Kingston College Old Boys: The boys who can have everything

The thing that strikes you about the Kingston College old boy is his earthy sexiness. These guys do not go around trying to look well-manicured but they have style. They're grunge on the outside but high culture on the outside, and this shocks people. They're also very self-confident, which is why they are among the smartest men in Jamaica. And the most dangerous sexual predators on earth.

The opposite of JC old boys, Kingston College (KC) old boys are actually smart but they don't know it. The ones who do know it usually surprise themselves when they do great things. They're the young achievers and trailblazers.

Because they're not necessarily pretty boys on the outside, they tend to feel surprised when they get a lot of female attention. They see the woman they want, go after her, and in mid-sentence they start self-criticising. After inventing every reason why they don't deserve the girl, they'll leave the woman of their dreams heart-broken.

KC old boys are sensitive, but not towards others. They're sensitive only about their own egos and pride, so one harsh word will usually send them scurrying for the nearest rock. Forever.
It may seem like a paradox, but you'll always find a KC old boy at a political rally and in human rights groups, the ringleaders of mud-slinging.

KC old boys are fast learners, curious and adventurous, which is why they become easy prey to women who want to toy with them. They can never say no to a good opportunity. This is where they get their reputations as players.

KC old boys who can get over their self-mutilating tendencies will find that they can save the world and get the girl.

Political Asylum

Every now and again, I get the same e-mail from friends back home in Jamaica. Do you remember Staceyann Chin from UWI? Then they send me a link to her website.

The persons who send me the link are of course excited by the fact that they know someone who's famous. That's okay, but that's not the point of this rant.

I have been pondering an idea since I got the zillionth e-mail this week, and I looked further into it to test my theory.

I pondered the question:

"What IF, Staceyann Chin is not gay?"

I had my suspicions after reading some of the posts on her cyberjournal, interviews about her background, and some newspaper articles. Actually my suspicions came from her own words in two instances. One was in her cyberjournal, and the other was made during an interview:


Instance 1:

There was no prejudice because I belonged to a class of people, I was light skinned and I had had tertiary education before because I had gone to Sharpe Teacher's College so I participated at a level that was good. I fit in in alot of ways.

The first time I noticed huge prejudice was when I discovered in a weird sort of way if one can say that one discovers that one likes women.

Comment: Fine. So here is the set up. She enjoys being "privileged" because of her Chinese heritage but discovers prejudice after experimenting sexually. Everyone at UWI experimented sexually or remained virginal until graduation. There was simply no middle ground. The people who didn't use condoms either got pregnant, or infected with HIV. Hell, I did some strange things, but I didn't label myself because of it. I certainly didn't make it public.

In an article on her life, I am reminded that she was "born into poverty and abandoned by her parents". Staceyann says that Jamaica has a way of glorifying people's skin shade and ignoring their social class because of it. Because of her humble background she didn't realise that certain behaviours and activities belonged in the realm of a particular social class. Most people would say that Staceyann was "country come to town".

I believe that Stacyann may have sufferedostracism because she refused to keep her mouth shut about her sex life. The fact is that homosexuals in Jamaica value their privacy very highly, so it doesn't do for a country girl to go around pointing fingers at her lovers. She got on the wrong side of the Jamaican middle class, when she sought to introduce their private hobbies to the free world. She has a big mouth, which is why she is a good poet, but it also contributed to her predicament.

One of my friends organised orgies on his yacht off the south coast of Jamaica and would always try to get me to come along. I wonder what would have happened if I had gone, and afterwards boast that I did it with X, Y and Z? Assisted suicide? Probably. Being alienated by her newfound social group, Staceyann got off easy.

Instance 2:

So now, I live in a world where Blackness, defines African-American-ness. Whiteness as Caucasian. And the other races incidental and certainly not related in polar terms. Now what do I do?

You find the Queer community.

Comment: In other words, armed with an degree from UWI, she decided to go on a quest to regain her "special" and "privileged" status. Imagine her shock when she went to New York and found that she was just another black girl! Nothing wrong with that, but Jamaicans are blinded to their own place in the world that this would be an overwhelming experience. To survive this second wave of shock, she went to New York and told everyone there that she was a political refugee. Partly to ensure that she would remain a welcome guest, and partly to get back at the people who pushed her out of their group.

She's a smart girl and a survivor, having figured out exactly what people in first world countries will enjoy. There is nothing special about being half-Jamaican, half-Chinese; however, they will listen to talk about anti-gay people in Jamaica. It's so easy to stomp on a developing nation when it's down. Powerful people will fight for the rights of homosexuals, but they won't fight for racial or ethnic minorities.

I don't believe that Staceyann Chin is a lesbian. I think she is a self-centred girl who longs to feel special because she lost the love of her parents. When read her poetry, I see that one is forced to either agree or disagree, and I'm not sure that her sexuality is any of my business.

Poets like Mutabaruka speak for a group of people and allow others to identify with his words. He doesn't attack you for not listening; instead, he says what he has to say and offers you a choice. Either way, you can be his friend.

On the other hand, Staceyann Chin uses rejection to promote her poetry.

The prejudice she experienced was class prejudice (true bigotry) and not necessarily social prejudice. I wish she were honest enough to say that even though she once enjoyed attention because she was fair-skinned, that it was wrong to divide people because of colour. I'm disappointed that she goes to New York and tries to involve her audience in a discussion about her fair skin (as opposed to her Chinese heritage) and how she had a privileged status in Jamaica because of that. It shows how deeply this issue affects Jamaicans. Even her observers note that she is a woman of colour. I think she still has a far way to go before she can come to accept herself. The danger, however, is that once she frees herself of this delusion, her artistic source will dry up.

Despite what Staceyann claims about the gay lifestyle in Jamaica, there are quite a few male and female gay couples in Jamaica who live together openly and no one bothers them. Upper middle class people can do it because they are powerful enough to not be bothered by lower classes of society. Homosexuality, however, is not a lifestyle choice extended to the lower strata of Jamaican society, to which Staceyann belongs.

During colonialism, slaves had no choice but to breed for their masters. Therefore, open practice of homosexuality removes the likelihood of breeding and contributing to building the working classes of society. Homosexuality (by both genders) also weakens the power men have always enjoyed over women. Penises have always served as tools for women's immobility, no pun intended. If men are sticking it into each other, they won't be able to supress women in society by making them pregnant. If women aren't waddling around with pregnant bellies or breast feeding, they'll have quite a lot of time to stir up trouble.

I am ambivalent to Staceyann's work, but I do feel that unless she reaches beyond her self interests and personal pain, she'll end up repeating herself like a broken record.

Truly great artists were always able to do well in spite of their hardships, insecurities and weaknesses.

Things I realised today...

As I was sipping my morning coffee and waiting for my computer to light up, I realised a few things:

1. A promise bracelet is just a piece of woven string. So how could I tie my hopes and dreams to cotton thread? I cut mine off this morning, to a rather dubious look from a supersitious friend.
2. Five years after our first "aha moment" meeting, I am still madly in love with AHE. I woke up this afternon from my nap, and I realise that I do, truly love him. And you know what? So what if he doesn't love me back? I enjoy this feeling of unconditional love. I am happy, and it has nothing to do with his actions or words. It just has to do with my accepting him as he is. He is perfect as is. I don't have to hold him responsible for my feelings and I don't want to be responsible for his either. AHE, wherever you are, I hope that you are really and truly happy. I love you.
   
3. Parents try to live their unfulfilled ambitions through their children so that they can be cared for in their old age. Children need to have their own dreams, and be free to have none.
   
4. Change/personal growth = Becoming the person I really am in the first place.