Peer pressure, or "mind your own damned business"

I guess Jamaica has its own standards about what it takes to be "somebody".

I was just informed that in order to be a member of the Expatriates/Former expatriates/Returnee club in Jamaica, I have to own real estate ON Jamaican soil. I was also threatened with ostracism if I failed to comply. My financial assets are no one's business, so I was shocked when I was told what a failure I am because I don't own a house ON Jamaican soil. The last time I checked this blog, I was not vying for the Miss Jamaica Popularity contest, so why would I give a rat's ass what anyone thinks?

Two years ago, I had a conversation with a friend of mine, a North African diamond trader with 1 1/2 wives. I told him that I wanted to buy a house in JM. He laughed at me when I told him how much it would cost, and gave me the information on a house in Tuscany for a little less than that, with literally zero red tape. Just last week I talked myself out of buying a boat because although I fantasise about living on the bay, I get terribly sea-sick, so I can forget about piloting it myself. I bought myself a custom-built laptop computer instead. There is always a good reason to buy a new laptop.

If I don't buy the house in Jamaica, people will think I'm poor. That's okay. I'm an international hobo. My "friends" promised not to talk to me when (if) I visit Jamaica without stories about difficult tenants, property tax and mortgage rates.

The fact is, these people don't realise that what they really own are multiple mortgages. You don't own the house if mortgage deed is not in your possession. Don't bother boasting about what you own if you're still making payments on it.

Years ago, a client who was closing out his mortgage told me that if he had known how long it would have taken to repay a mortgage from a Jamaican financial institution, he would have bought his house with cash. I learnt from his mistake.

Furthermore, I'm not doing any business in Jamaica because the moment my name appears on a mortgage document, I'll be the subject of gossip. A: "Shaggy's girl is buying a house in Jamaica mi dear" B: "Lawks-a-massy missis she couldn' buy a bigga one? She a come back yah so?" A: "Mi nu know still" B: "She nuh have nuh 'ouse inna OOOOOO?" A: "Mi nuh know still".

Two years after I left home, I was traumatised once when a financial officer was bold enough to divulge my financial information to an inquisitive member of the Public. It's funny how no-one reprimanded her about that.

I feel that the persons who have threatened to ostracise me, are buying mortgages (not property) to prove that they are in the it crowd. Nothing wrong with that, although it really is an expensive way to buy your self-esteem

Fact is, they can't afford to live in any of the number of houses they've so grandly purchased. Nothing wrong with that.

All of them still live with their parents. Nothing wrong with that.

And they have no disposable income because they had to borrow money to make downpayments, which they're still paying back with part time work. Nothing wrong with that.

Some have even had to auction off their possessions so that they can afford to eat lunch at KFC. So they're both debt-ridden and obese. No comment.

Should I listen to these people bully me because I don't want to keep up appearances, because I'm honest about my financial situation?

I don't think so.

Preserving what raasclaat race?

Rosa Parks died today, and it's ironic that I found this on the Jamaica Observer website:

MSN is a pretty dangerous forum these days...If you haven't received the email from a concerned citizen 'hoping to preserve the race' it's cos you're visibly black, yellow or brown. That's right not even the brown folks are wanted by those concerned that the race is being diluted. It's called SAME WAY SO. We'll keep you posted on this one. After all, it is from an elite upper St Andrew group.

At first, I had an emotional reaction to this story. How could I not take it personally? They didn't say "blacks only" or "mulattoes only". I thought they wanted to annihilate my own kind.

Such a mandate is not even legal. It hasn't been that long since generations of young people have been wiped out in Africa, Bosnia-Herzegovina and Croatia for the sake of ethnic purification. Not to mention the millions of blacks and Jews who died during WWII. There were also many South African blacks who died during apartheid.

"I am leaving this legacy to all of you ... to bring peace, justice, equality, love and a fulfillment of what our lives should be. Without vision, the people will perish, and without courage and inspiration, dreams will die — the dream of freedom and peace."

Rosa Parks
February 4, 1914 - October 24, 2005


Surely I thought it must be someone's idea of a sick joke, but then my memory got a big jolt. I had another fit of laughter at the idea because it really isn't as romantic and radical as it seems.

The Mail Order Groom
The daughter of an instantly recognisable Jamaican family of Lebanese origin was apparently bent on doing her own racial purification bit, so she hunted for and imported a husband from Denmark. He was a short, brown-haired, impish looking Caucasian. Kind of strange that of all the eligible bachelors on planet earth, a woman of her influence chose an unemployed white man in his 40s to marry. It couldn't have been love because, while I'm not sure what he did for work, I do know what he did during his spare time.

Three months after arriving in Jamaica, he became obsessed with a Jamaican masseuse, a friend of mine. She was a short, dark-skinned, flawless woman with a fabulous body. This was her job, so he had to pay for her time. Thing is, he fell in like with her and decided to spend as much time as possible with her. Not that she felt the same way--I mean, this was a woman who had spent time with some of the most influential businessmen in Jamaica. He was just another unemployed lout to her and did nothing for her already impressive resume of clients.

He decided he could woo her by inviting her over to the house one afternoon to a cocktail party hosted by his wife for a bunch of upper St. Andrew aristocrats. Why? To show that even though he was a kept man, he had balls. My friend balked at the idea because after all, she would come face to face with the wife, no? He said, "I invited you, and you are my guest. Just ignore her".

The masseuse went to the party out of curiosity, and ended up having a big laugh about it. I don't know if the Dane and the Lebanese princess are still married, but the masseuse soon dumped him for being too "needy and boring". That, and because he didn't have his own money.
I thought about what's happening here and I realised that it's pretty much a parallel to the trend of former beauty pageant contestants who marry rich so they can offer their "beauty genes" to some rich, ugly sop.

Why Jamaica Observer closed down the talkback service

Just had to do this post, even though the article is old. I know that I'm not the only one who talks about the hilarious reporting of the Jamaica Observer.


Shaggy's Girl: Did you notice that the Jamaica Observer's Talkback service is out of service?

Shaggy: Yes. Why's that?

Shaggy's Girl: Because their reporters are frauds.

Shaggy: What do you mean?

Shaggy's Girl: Well, I noticed that there was this jackass of an article online, which appeared in the "Social Lives" section.

Shaggy: Isn't that your favourite section?

Shaggy's Girl: Yes, it is. But let me continue. The Chester Francis-Jackson that I had written about in an earlier post had been at it (being a jackass) for a while. Here is what he said, verbatim.

"In agreeing with Cooper, however, on the dynamics that is language, one must part company with his reasoning in galloping attempt to defend Ms Hughes's choice of the word 'compassionateness'"

Shaggy: Huh?

Shaggy's Girl: I know you didn't go to school, so let me gallop to say that he means "I disagree with Mr. Cooper". (keeling over with laughter). But please, let me gallop ahead with my point. (chocking).

Shaggy: I don't see what's so funny.

Shaggy's Girl: (gulping down some water). Okay... Here are the comments that were posted in reply to the jackass article.

Comment 1: This is such a stupid, baseless use of space.

Comment 2: If we are going to write a social column and bash people about grammar, we should get our grammar correct. I refer to: "Also lunching was the fabulous Dr Saphire Longmore; Lotto's Eugene Flokes; Dunlop Corbin's Guernsey Beckford and son Gavin Beckford; the lovely Sandra Cammock; plus several others." CORRECTION: "Also lunching WERE..."

Comment 3: A waste of space indeed! Whats all this "Luvs" and "Doves" crap? And whats this ridiculous reference to Halle Berry's husband Eric, as "godling!". Save those words for people who went to your grammar school.

Shaggy + Shaggy's girl: (keeling over with laughter).

Shaggy: Ah hah! I get it! The Jamaica Observer shut down the talkback service because the people who write the articles write like crap.

Generation Next Fights for Power

I wonder if lawyers in Jamaica make a lot of money? I remember being at a cult meeting of the Kingston Church of Christ and seeing a tall, ugly, scrawny son-of-a-bitch preaching about his BMW and his ex-girlfriend. Was that from his salary? That was 6 years ago.

I wonder if lawyers in Jamaica have any clout? I ask this because Tanasha Buchanan has been trying to get voted into office at UWI since I was there, years ago. She's still at it.

I saw a news item about Tanasha, who apparently incensed about "unfair elections" for the UWI Guild of Graduates. That's her photo.

[I'm assuming that she's divorced from her husband since she's still using her maiden name. I didn't quite catch the husband's name...just heard that he was in "Englan'").]

Tanasha is a young girl, 28, and though we haven't spoken in a long time I wonder why she is so interested in becoming a household name at the intellectual ghetto that is known as UWI, Mona. I read her statement to the press, and I am not sure whether I should be amazed at her low ambition or her public speaking skills. I've highlighted the words that remind me of the "Mumma-lashie" I know so well.

"All the rules in the election booklet that we were supposed to follow were broken on the day of the election," Buchanan, 28, told the Observer. "Candidates were soliciting votes by promising and giving phone cards, lunch tickets and dem thing there. I have witnesses who say that they (the candidates) were giving away stuff."

This is not a grammar class, of course, but this adult (is 28 adult nowadays?), UWI graduate who talks about "dem thing there", and "stuff", represents our intellectual elite. In other countries, someone would jump on her for talking like that to the press.

Miss Buchanan's bid for a UWI Guild post defied logic at first. I mean, who cares about the stinking Guild of Graduates? But, I thought about it, and I realise that Tanasha might be fuming at the fact that two of her contemporaries Kern Spencer and Floyd Morris managed to gain seats in the Senate while she, an upper middle class woman is still trying to be recognised?

After all, the people I went to UWI with are between 26 and 32, and they all have jobs that are considered to be prestigious in Jamaica. A few 30-year-old principals, 28-year-old public relations managers, trade consultants, pilots, 27-year-old doctors, lawyers, etc. But, who can top being a senator? No matter how you look at it, this person is helping to make decisions that will affect our personal affairs. It must have been a real shock to Tanasha. No doubt she has some interesting "behind the scenes" stories to tell.

Look Tanasha, not all that glitters is gold.

Tanasha is from a privileged background. She is open-minded, honest and very personable. Not a pretentious hair on her well-coiffed head. With all these positive personal qualities, I think she would be better off focussing her energies on something meaningful, like building her own Legal Empire.

Off with their heads!

Just as a lark...

Just as a lark, I went to my profile page and I clicked on Kingston, St. Andrew and Jamaica, to see who was blogging.

I was amused to see that most of the bloggers had given up after about one post, after going to a lot of trouble to set up a blog site on blogger.

Jamaica does not have a cyberculture, which may be a good thing. I remember having such a good social life (and a great deal of hot sex) when I was living in Jamaica, that having a website would have felt pretentious. I would be a complete asshole if I spent 2 hours updating my website, when my legs could be wrapped around my man's waist, or when I could be enjoying a film on telly with my family. So I guess these people have better things to do with their time.

But wait, there is a rather sensible blogger out there. While I was browsing this evening, I bumped into a blogger named Landfall, a gay male who lives in Kingston, Jamaica. Coincidentally, I bumped into this post after writing a rant about closet gays who get involved with women to hide their sexuality.

Of course we're quite different, but we have so much in common. Lost touch with some aspect of ourselves, single, childless, trying to communicate with some unnamed entity out there to release what's eating away at us. This blog makes sense to me. It's not trying to prove anything...

I'm happy that Landfall took the time to write about his life as a person, and not just to give salacious details of his sex life. Jamaican homophobia exists in part because we only think of "sexual intercourse" when we think of gay men, and we don't really see the person.

I hope he continues to blog past the two posts that are on his blogsite. He has a very interesting story to tell. It may just help to break the spell.

Wolmer's Old Boys: Three-step formula

Unlike the other long posts, where I did detailed analyses, I think Wolmer's old boys are too fabulous for extensive personality profiling. Basically, I think women should do one or all of the following three things with a Wolmer's Old Boy:

1. Shag him rotten.
2. Marry him.
3. Have his child.

Repeat no. 1 (as often as desired), and no. 3 (twice).

How to tell if your man is gay

In the spirit of discussing men who use women as "beards", or as companions who distract others from their true sexuality, I would like to give a word of warning to Jamaican women.* I think that it's really difficult for us to tell if our man is gay because our society forces them into hiding. We don't have any references for what a gay man is all about. One of my Jamaican girlfriends was in her 30's before she actually met an "out" gay person, and she was well-travelled. Just to tell you how sheltered Jamaican women can be, she thought homosexuality was a character flaw, a weakness.

I was reading a comment by Mimi Rogers on why she split with Tom Cruise. Mimi said that her instrument needed tuning, but that Tom said that he thought (a) sex interfered with his desire for purity, and that (b) he wanted to become a monk.

Just after I posted the comment on the no-sex Katie Holmes' marriage contract situation, a few things became clear to me. Of course, these are more theories.

This one tiny theory I'll talk about here. Jamaican girls, please dump your (Jamaican) man if he says the following:

(a) I don't like sex so much
(b) "I want to become a monk"
(c) "Why is everything about sex?" (this is only shocking if you're in an intimate relationship)
(d) "My boss is a god" (or he talks about his boss as if he's the cat's pyjamas).

I had one boyfriend who said all of the above, had a very short relationship with a guy who said (b) and knew another person who said (d). ALL of them prefer masturbation over actual sexual intercourse. They will give you every justification in the book, and they will accuse you of being the sex freak. One boyfriend (a Jamaican) called me every single night during a business trip to Europe to engage in mutual masturbation, but didn't accept my offer get on a plane to come there and fuck him. I have a normal libido (considering what's "normal" nowadays), but these guys made me feel like a nymphomaniac.

One boyfriend would sit in front of the porno channel and jack off while I was sleeping (we were living together). When I offered to help, he turned me down. Of course, I dumped him, but not before screwing everyone else to find a truly heterosexual man to date. I knew for a fact that the boyfriend had had two oral sex encounters with men between the time he was 5 and 22. He and the other acquaintance were madly in love with their hetersexual male bosses, and would talk about them all the time. I would get vivid descriptions, and quotes, and I'd be told why these people were sent by the Lord Almighty himself. Listen, a heterosexual man is supposed have hunter-gatherer instincts, so begin to ask questions when he is suddenly obsessed with being dominated by another man. More than likely, it's not a career thing...it's all about the sex.

Straight men usually do the same thing when they meet a new woman that they're having an affair with. The wife or girlfriend will hear about the new woman whether she wants to or not. The man will spend a lot of time with the new woman before deciding to leave the wife or girlfriend. That's cut and dry, but in the case of your closet gay, he can't have sex with the man because that man is not interested. It's simply a case of unrequited love that the Jamaican gay man will use to punish himself for having (illegal) homosexual tendencies in the first place. After all, it's better to fantasise about the sex than to actually get beaten to death, right?

These two guys would occasionally adopt very effeminate poses, including, and I swear, a toss-your-head-and-look-over-the-shoulder Marilyn Munro pout.



So, girls, if your man doesn't like to have sex with you, dump him. If he wants to become a monk/priest, can't stop talking about his very "masculine" boss get suspicous. If he says that jerking off alone is "safe sex", he's referring to anal sex with other men...not you. Dump. If he starts adopting Richard Simmons-like poses while you're not playing charades, run, run, run, as fast as you can!

*Disclaimer: Shaggy's girl does not condone violence against homosexuals, she just thinks the world would be a better place if they all came out of the closet.

Breast is best: One woman's source of power

I feel sorry for the Jamaica Observer's Sharon Leach.

She said:

I take comfort in little victories like, the other day, when a male friend looked down at my shirt, smiled a dazzling smile that hinted at something more, and said, "Shar, you know, you really have nice breasts." Forget about it. That's my power right there.

Sharon Leach just wrote an article called "My breasts - my power" in the All Woman section of the Jamaica Observer. I decided to jump right on it for several reasons.


Reason 1. Jamaica Observer Sex Politics

The Jamaica Observer needs an in-house therapist. Given the level of "feeling up" that takes place between the male and female staff there, it's not surprising that an article like this gets the go-ahead for publishing.

Reason 2. Love thyself first
It's okay to love parts of your body, but to use them to make friends is still a little retrograde, if not a little sad. Women strive to be beautiful now for the sake of it, to have their own power and not to get recognised. It's okay to flaunt your breasts, but it gets tacky (vulgar?) when you do it just because there's a guy watching.

Sharon strikes me as the kind of woman who would allow herself to stay in an emotionally unsatisfying relationship with the rationale that she is getting regular sex. Women who don't have sex are pathetic, right? (Myself included). Sharon should watch out because a man will go after what he wants, but he will take what is offered on the way there. Sharon is attractive so she doesn't have to go there.

Reason 3. More body fat=larger breasts.

Sharon forgot to mention in her article that the reason her breasts got larger was that she is fat. One look at her photo hints that her breasts may be competing for prominence with other body parts such as her mid-section, her thighs, or her derrierre. If Sharon's breasts had grown larger by themselves, I would have been impressed, but a C-cup in proportion to the size of her body seems quite small still. If Sharon lost 10 kilos and kept her breasts at the same C-cup, every woman in the free world would jump on her diet bandwagon.

I now understand why she has to poke 'em forward.

McDonald's leaving Jamaica

I'm loving it!

The good news is that the McDonald's fast food chain is leaving Jamaica. There were too many fast food restaurants there anyway.

Why, Jamaican cuisine is the among the most flavourful in the world, so why would anyone want to trade that for bland frozen crap? I know that Jamaican taste buds are rather discriminating, and we only eat what we can taste.

Homecooked meals are better. Norma Henry runs "Norma's" on Whitehall Avenue in Kingston. Ask any taxi driver in Kingston to take you to Norma's and they'll never ask twice. I also knew business executives who would call her up and swing by late in the evening to buy delicious meals. I gained about 10kg because I was addicted to her delicious oxtail. There is something about those thin white boxes that give the food such good flavour. That, and knowing the meal was prepared for someone who cooked it from scratch, makes it that much more enjoyable.

I miss the food stalls on the street in downtown Kingston, where you can buy ackee and saltfish for breakfast or fricaseed chicken and escoveitched fish for lunch. I can smell it now. Gravy! Who would have guessed I would miss something as common as gravy.

Only my mother's meals taste better.

There are too many good cooks in Jamaica to leave it all up to foreign "express food". We should be exporting our Boston Jerk Chicken and Tastee's and Juicy Beef patties to the world.

Even in this obscure part of the world, I walk into restaurants and see Jamaican herbs and spices in their original bottles, proudly on display on the tables as part of the restuarant's decor. Clients don't even realise that they are sitting in front of a truly Jamaican product.

I think that the exit of North American fast food restaurants will leave Jamaica open to an indigenous slow food market. In that market, we would support each other and develop a domestic profit.

Here's hoping that we develop and market our "brand" more effectively in the years to come.